Steven May 2026 - Something a little different today.

Steven May 2026

Something a little different today.

Steven of May 2006. 

Twenty years ago today, I came home to Silverdale in Newcastle Under Lyme, back home to live with Mum and Dad in Staffordshire, after living for a very unhappy period of time in London. That period of my life is a bit of a blur as I was chronically depressed. Terribly, terribly unwell. Coming home, I felt like I had failed.  I was fleeing London, because ‘I couldn’t cope.’ I was, ‘useless’ and ‘an embarrassment.’ 

In short, ‘I was pathetic.’ 

I ruined my relationship. Broke his heart with my madness.

I wrecked my career. “I’m too good for this!”  

It was all my fault.

At the time I was so riddled with failure and the ruination that I’d wrought on the people around me, I just felt that I had to hide away.  So, home I went. I always ran away to be with Mum when the ‘sh*t hit the fan.’ And as I was living with bipolar affective disorder, my life choices regular flung themselves at the fan. 

Making exceptionally unwise decisions. 

Spending money I didn’t have. 

Spending even more money that I didn’t have.  And this is how my thought processes went;

“But Steven, it will be all right because it’s just money and everything is going so fast in my head that I don’t have to worry about it and you DESERVE those things and what’s the point in worrying anyway, because it’s just money and I can always make more money and it doesn’t matter that I don’t have a job, because things will be brilliant, they are brilliant, I AM BRILLIANT, and I can spend as much as I like because I’m BRILLIANT and I will succeed at everything.”

And breathe…

Grandiose behaviour that was off the scale.  Travelling first class and telling everyone how wonderful I was. Informing people that I as the man operating the Daleks in Doctor Who.  “Yes, that’s me inside them. What do you mean, you think I’m lying!” And BELIEVING it. Believing every toe curling, mortifying embarrassing nonsense that sailed out of my mouth. 

Phew, it was exhausting. 

And do you know what, it’s taken me nearly twenty years to realise none of it was my ‘fault,’ I wasn’t inherently a bad person. 

I was in point of fact, a very unwell person. 

Things quickly spiralled. I told Mum and Dad that I had a job.  I didn’t.  I used to leave the house in the morning and wander around various towns in Staffordshire.  I’d go to the pictures and sit in the darkness watching film after film.  All the while, spending money I didn’t have and lying to my parents about my new job that didn’t exist.

And then I simply upped sticks and left home again.  This time I fled to Bristol and that’s when things went really, REALLY wrong. 

Oh blimey, my brain stops me from remembering those days.  My mind actively goes, ‘no Steven, not that, anything but that.’  To this day, if there’s something on the television from Bristol, I quickly change the channel.  I immediately leap for the remote control.  We often talk about being ‘triggered’ and then reliving past events.  The terribly trauma that our minds never ever want us to endure again.  My mind goes into overdrive when Bristol gets a mention.  I can feel this overwhelming sudden rush of cortisol and adrenalin through my brain as it goes, ‘Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not that, anything but that!’ 

Because do you know what?  Sometimes my brain IS on my side, because what it says is, ‘Just look at you now.’  Yes, Steven, stop the blame game and actually look at where you are today.  Of course I’ve had the blips with the bipolar, some bigger than others. But here’s the thing:

 The grandiose behaviour has faded to nothing.

The spending has long since vanished.

Now, I’m actually GOOD with money.  I have a private pension for goodness sake.

I no longer look back and see myself as ‘pathetic.’    

Many people are fighting with their own minds.  Anxiety crippling our every move.  Since my Mum died in 2016, I have been riven with abject anxiety.  Anxiety was something that I never really understood.  I’d read about it, but I’d never experienced it. 

Then WHAM! 

Suddenly there I was unable to make decisions, incapable of functioning because of the pounding in my chest, the shortness of breath, the ‘oh my God it’s all going to go wrong!’ thinking.  Catastrophising beyond measure.  I’ve recently devoured Owen O’Kane’s book, ‘Addicted to Anxiety’ and it has been game changing.  He describes anxiety as:

‘An intolerance to uncertainty.’ 

Has there ever been a more apt description? 

Why am I writing this today?  Well, because Steven twenty years ago really could have done with reading this missive of mine back then.  Things DO get better, especially when you have beautiful human beings in your life.  I have some sterling friends who act with compassion toward me, asking for nothing in return but my friendship.  Genuine, authentic people who give of themselves because they are just… kind.  And that kindness guides me today. 

Steven of May 2026 is no longer riven with anxiety. 

He doesn’t loathe himself for the many numerous bad and sometimes downright disastrous decisions made when he was unwell. 

I recognise my achievements and the fact that I put my ALL into my career. 

I love helping and supporting people into lifestyle changes. 

I don’t criticize, judge or blame people. 

If I can change, if I can run a successful business.  If I can be grateful for the small things, then can’t we all. 

Change is real.  It does happen.  And good mental health comes as a gift.  I wish I could take back some of the things that I said and did twenty years ago, but I can’t.  What I can do is go forward, knowing that I’m a better human being, that I’m making a difference and that the kindness that people show me, I replicate and show to others. 

The world may appear a dark and depressing place at the present, just remember we are the light in that world. 

Walk in nature if you can. 

Surround yourself with bluebells! 

Shine, shine, SHINE for all your worth and be kind.

Be kind to others and always to yourself.