"Performative empathy is something I absolutely despise." A bit of a different blog post today, Sept 2024

Hello faithful readers of my blog posts,

Something a bit different today.  Over the last few months, I have taken stock and reconnected with an array of people in my life.  Sometimes friendships fade, for various reasons.  I thought to myself, ‘do you know what Steven, you’re allowing some wonderful people to vanish from your life, what are you doing that for?’ It takes effort to maintain a friendship. I’m motivated to reconnect and to stay in touch. I’m usually very good at it.  Though, now I’m beginning to wonder what I’m doing it for?  I’m (sort of) infamous for the fact that I tend to pick up the phone and call people rather than text them.  There have been plenty of occasions when I’ve had a friend’s name appear in my head, I’ve called and they needed a chum. It is not necessarily fate; it could very well be a coincidence.  So, just do it.  Pick the phone up, knock on their door.  Surprise them!  And if they don’t like you doing that, then maybe they are not the friend you thought they were… 

Performative empathy is something I absolutely despise.  It’s all well and good when people like your comment or update or send ‘thoughts and prayers’ messages.  It’s very easy to do that.  Some of the most bitter, poisonous, jealous, people that I know, regularly post about their ‘empathic credentials.’  They use the latest progressive narrative to wave the flag of, ‘look at me, look how good I am.’  Meanwhile they spout hideous views and state homophobic things in earshot of me.  Everyone is an expert in their life so they know what they are doing. I wonder how they sleep at night. Their conscience rather tarnished.

A life lived in negative gossip is not a positive life by any stretch of the imagination.  I’ve learned that one the hard way.  It was only when I was in my last job, surrounded by a wonderful, authentic team of people, that I learned to say, “Has this got anything to do with me?  No.  What are telling me that for then?” It is why I have distanced myself rather a lot from social media.  I find that social media can have both negatives and positives. It can bring out the best in humanity… and the worst. 

I recently watched a podcast interview with Rob Rinder (Judge Rinder off of the telly) in which he described what a ‘real friend’ is.  The interviewer stated that a ‘true friend’ was someone who was there for you, ‘when the sh*t hit the fan.’  And Rob sat there, pondered this and then disagreed, he said something that has really stuck in my mind.  His response was, “No, I’d be wary of the ones who swoop in when there’s a drama.  When you tell your friend good news and they are unconditionally happy for you – that’s a real friend.”  It really brought me up sharp, as I have seen on the faces of some of my acquaintances; a look of barely concealed disappointment when I’ve described how well I am doing.  They will respond with the requisite, ‘oh that’s good,’ but deep down I can see that they REALLY don’t want to hear this.  Their acting skills aren’t quite a match for their unconscious desire for me to fail or to be sad or to just not be as good as them. 

Maybe they don’t like me banging on about happiness in my life.  I tend to be quite self-deprecating; I don’t think I’m arrogant.  In fact, I’m quite confident in the fact that I’m not conceited.  Or I’m a tad delusional…  I don’t think I am though. 

But then, there are friends in my life, who are overjoyed when they see how well my business is going. They understand the up and downs of my mental health. They embrace me and celebrate.  They are not envious of my success or as one of my chums recently said, “Steven, your legacy speaks for itself. The only people who say bad things about you are people who are jealous.”  It’s oft quoted, “What other people think of me is none of my concern.”  Some people view that as arrogant, but what Mark Twain was getting at was, you have done all you can do, you’ve worked to the best of your abilities, you are fine – and some people still don’t like you?  So, what?

It is only now, here in my older days that I embrace the authentic, the genuine and I search out those ‘true friends.’  They are few and far between, so hold onto them.  And just remember, if you see that frown when you are celebrating your success, do you really need that person in your life?  I know I don’t.  So, cheerio to the mood hoovers!